Wednesday, January 2, 2013

twelve reasons why i'm glad 2012 is over

i know. i know. you're supposed to appreciate each and every day, but that's difficult when things like #ootd on instagram was trending, kanye and kim itemized (kimye? kanim?) and diy projects became the "it" hipster trend (i mean anti-trend. hipsters don't follow trends. whatever). let's be real. who has time for that shit?

i was tre'-inspired to write this post by my most favorite blogger of all time - man repeller. after reading this you might find yourself saying are these 12 things bad, or horribly awesome? i agree. its a fine line. i can only compare this list to that weird kid in elementary school who threw up in class. you wanted so badly to look away, but you just had to peak through your fingers.

take a ride through 2012 one last time with me. then let's all forget these things actually happened.

1. fifty shades of bs: this was on tmr's list too. she's right. if i hear about one more 30 to 50 something year-old woman raving about fifty shades of bullshit i'm going to create an ecard that says "if you  read the fifty shades of grey trilogy and then recommended it to your daughter, you do not have the right to help her with her english homework. ever." can't wait for the cinematic adventure based on this waste-of-paper-book.

2. i'm a dj: everyone in la la land seems to think that being a dj will boost their social clout. nay. "being" a dj is the new "i'm a model/actor." need i say more? being smart, creative, intuitive and belly-hurtin' funny are still higher on my list of male must haves than spinning beats.

3. studded and jaded: don't get me wrong. i love the 80's. i love punk. i love rock. however... raise your hand if you're going to wear those ridiculous studded and rhinestoned loafers/platforms/peter pan collars/bralets/bracelets next fall/winter. that's what i thought.

4. food porn: i don't care what you baked, ate for lunch, made from grandma's ancient recipe book, or what your plate looks like after you ate whatever it is you ate. and neither does anybody else. unless you are a master chef, or your job involves being an awesome cook, keep your sorry meals to yourself. i myself am a victim of this tragic trend.

5. #nofilter: hash tagging on instagram has resulted in all out battle of the babes -- and by babes i mean babies/teeny boppers/youth/the-only-people-with-that-much-time-on-their-hands --  to see who can tag the most unneccessary shit and gain the most spam follower accounts. congrats to you, the youth of  #merica. on the top of my annoying tags list is "#nofilter." by tagging "nofilter" you've successfully let the world know that you didn't have to select one of the awesome filters provided on the insta app. can we fill the hole in the ozone layer now? where are our priorities?

6. "hipster" weddings: thanks to pinterest all of us sad, pathetic and unmarried women can now plan our never-going-to-happen wedding. not only that, but i guarantee all of the women my age who do get married (bitches) will do so in a barn, on a prairie, decorated by succulents, burlap, wildflowers, chalk boards and driftwood. wait. i totally want this for my wedding.

7. the kardashians: i secretly don't want them to go away. sshh.

8. nail art: i'm slightly bitter that this trend took off mostly because i'm a nail bitter. with that being said ladies, your manicure should not cost as much or more than your shoes. hello kitty, rhinestones, bows, confetti and animal prints aren't allowed on your nails, all at the same time. you're freaking the men out.

9. anne hathaway: can she leave already? she bugs.

10. justin timberlake married that bitch: in my eyes jt's only viable options were me or britney circa "baby one more time." my world, and more importantly, my childhood fantasy, ended at that moment. cheers to 2013 and frequent celebrity divorces!

11. speaking of the end of the world...: 2013 will graciously rid my facebook feed of all of those weirdos (most of them my friends) who had to post some sort of status during the month of december 2012 about mayans, the end of the world, zombie apocalypses, etc.

12. mustache mahem: 2012 was the only year that mustaches got women dates. i loved this trend, but its time for it to rip. my vote for the prized body part/accessory of 2013 is the "wenis" (sp?) -- you know, that extra fold of skin you can pull away from the elbow... this is the equivalent to how ridiculous the mustache was for women in 2012.

i've already typed/hand written 2012 instead of 2013 seven times since january 1st.

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